a German update....for once in my life

wow. what an adventure here in Germany. The comments have been correct coming from family and friends. 'It looks like you are really busy there in Germany.' Yes....tis true. But I believe that Christa my sista and I are having a really amazing time. It has been amazing to be here with the Albiez family and their amazing staff in the two hotels here in the Black Forest. I just dont know what to say. There have been so many adventures and new things.

check it out here on You Tube and on Facebook (click here). Just to get caught up.

A trip to Germany & so much more!

Today my sister and I are flying to Germany. If you think of us late in the Monday evening...we are probably somewhere in the middle of the train ride towards Frieburg. I have asked a friend of mine who lives down near the beautiful Black Forest if we could come and visit them for the Christmas season. I hope we get there by Christmas at least. We lost contact for a bit....me and Benjamin ( the friend who lives, works, and loves the German forestry there) and just yesterday received a message about what we might be doing as we visit him. His family has the overall run for two beautiful hotels there. I have always wanted to be a part of a group like that. They have the hotels packed for the season and we can come too! I of course offered my services as a violinist...and we could even work in the kitchen peeling potatoes, shoveling snow and whatever they needed. I guess Benjamin took up the offer and now we are going to be helping where we can. We will be the 'animators' of the hotel. I know I have three violin gigs...and on the 26th after dinner there is a DANCING LESSONS WITH ERIKA HYDEEN! Can you believe it.

So....we are about to set out on our journey. I hope to keep you updated on the journey.
Spa
Skiing
Singing
Dancing
Eating
Serving
Laughing
Speed Scrabbling
Sleeping
Christmasing with amazing Germans!

Merry Christmas!


oh and by the way....William my amazing boyfriend has a plane ticket to Norway. He will join us here on staff from March 22, 2009. I am so excited! Yeah. God provided so much for us!!!
Testimony of the Holy Spirit!!

YWAM Skien Christmas party

Roommate #1
Helina the Estonian Queen
She looks gentle here, but she really likes to wrestle. I'd say Ragnhild and I won last night!

Roommate #2
Ragnhild our Norwegian Delight
She made this dress she is wearing. She might even move the buttons on my coat someday!

The winners of YWAM Skien's first ever
D A N C I N G . W I T H . T H E . S T A F F
Tim (England) & Melissa (USA)

Me & Marcea
(DTS staff from USA--my one on one gal and a housemate to Sarah Oliver from England while they took a DTS in Kona, HI. I met Sarah in Denver. I met Marcea in Norway. cool!)

I am so encouraged by what God is doing here at the base. I have been saying quite some revealing things in the last weeks. I hope you can just walk with me on this journey. There is no fear when Jesus is near. At this Christmas party we had some time of worship and during this time people were open and sharing about their lives. People from the base started to be transparent and even repent publicly for hindrances in their lives. I also had a break through. I was keeping myself from dancing for so long and on this night I began again. It has been a hard and long journey with dancing. Ever since last year I slowly gave it up---was more and more convinced that I was too old to dance, too tall, too fat, too wannabe, too something...and the joy has been stripped of it. Maybe I am one of those....but I don't believe it is supposed to affect me like this. I reject those lies and now begin to step into what I should do here in this life. I have lost some joy somewhere and then on Friday at the party I began to dance in the worship and that joy swelled within me. My heart almost burst. God really showed up with his joy in my heart. It has been a long week---hard, but good. I think it has been the most honest and open I have ever been on a blog. I am so glad that it has stirred in you too. The comments I get are ones of concern and help. thank you. I see that the shallow blog entries do not stir like the honest ones do. I intend to stir....to awaken...to bring light to darkness.

now it is Wednesday and I have been discussing with people about my job here. I wonder sometimes if I am not in the right job. I have to seek it out more. Should I switch some things? Shall I pursue the area I actually feel called to? What does that mean for me? Hmm.....there must be answers to these questions. And I am not afraid of asking them anymore.

I hope you are not afraid of asking the Holy Spirit questions. Ask Him the hard ones....and when that peace comes OH it is worth every moment of doubt. I figure if I don't ask the question like---'Is my boyfriend Will really supposed to move to Norway in March?' and I just go about my business not even thinking to ask, consider and desire God's heart. I think it is not a matter of doubt......as though if I dare ask God will probably say no. Erika if you just keep your mouth shut and do what you want than everything will work out. NO....this is not the issue. I have been realizing that if I DO open my mouth and open my heart to God....asking him what he wants----I usually get this peace that confirms in my heart the things that have already come my way. So now....in all things I want to first listen, than discover, ask, ask again, listen, discover, and of course keep walking the whole time. I have peace about Will coming. He does too. I know that now. I just never want to be STUCK in a place that I can not consider...than reconsider. I want to obey God....and this is how I am learning that. The reward is good---so trust and obey!!!

it's the last day of work today and my sister comes on Saturday. We fly to Germany on Monday! Wow!!!!

i am not in this alone

i understand that many of you are unable to actually read my blog entries if it contains confusing abstract details about darkness, tunnels, rats, the power of God, and a random guy named Gary Sadler. I am sorry. You should hear my roommates when I tell them things going on in my heart and head. I ask them what they think and they are like, 'Um....I dont know if I understand, I don't get it....you've been talking for like 20 minutes straight and how should I respond?' I ask that the Lord will first of all bless them back for all the time they have spent trying to understand my abstract thinking and second of all that the Lord would give them fresh understanding. It's hard to be stuck in my mind. I guess sometimes I think that others see what I see....but it is not true. They do not. I have to be very clear about what I am saying...then someone might get 2% of it. Think of those odds. yikes.

I am sorry if you were confused by all the things that seem to be happening in my life. I am going to try and be more open...not so abstract.

if you wonder if I am living in this darkness and letting the spiritual warfare just overtake me....then please consider the fact that I am working here in Norway as a missionary...called to the job I have for just a time like this. I am fighting for victory in Jesus' name. I have only just begun to share with you more openly about all the things that I have seen for almost two years. This is hard to just admit openly. I mean when you are living in a place, it is your home...the people are your people...it is hard to say it is not best. For example, living here at YWAM Skien is good. The people are amazing and the visions are out of this world. But as I am here leading worship, just seeing people get free in front of God...I realize that I am doing my own fighting. I am fighting for worship and prayer to be the heart of this base. I am fighting the principalities that keep worship and prayer from just exploding all over us. I am not fighting the nice and pleasant people here. They are affected by the pressure to keep 'normal' to keep 'under-control' so I have to just come in with the heart that God has given me and BE! LIVE! What could be harder than that? Seriously. Life gets sucked out of the bones of people here....it is easily replaced with routine, performance, and standardizing actions. It breaks my heart. So to explain the darkness one more time.....hope you get it.

I am underground. I am feeling around on the walls. I am getting a sense for the foundations. (practically....I am using the voice of the Holy Spirit, using my heart, emotions, observations to consider what is the situation like here in Norway and in YWAM Skien). It is dark down here....(in these thoughts and prayers). I am not sad ( because this is my job that I am called to). Yet, I weep bitterly (for the heart of God has shown me deep things....broken walls, potential crumbling, areas of danger). I pray. (seeking wisdom to know what to do). I try something (desiring to be obedient to Him). I usually hit my nose on the wall....(ouch). I realize as I am trying to rebuild these ruins here....underground....that I am getting hurt in the process. (this happens in ministry too. I am trying to let my heart be vulnerable for a bigger purpose than myself and I get hurt...wounded...and discouraged). Sometimes I wonder----'does anyone know I am down here caring about the foundations? (Does anyone know that I care about the hearts of the people here in Norway). Sometimes I wonder---'does anyone want the foundations to be fixed? (Why is it so hard to lead people into worship? Do they even want to be giving God glory? Is it performance once again??) Sometimes I wonder----'is there anyone else bumping their noses into walls...feeling the holes in the foundation....wishing it would heal, become strong, be what it was supposed to be' (is there anyone who will come alongside and weep bitter tears about this? who? who?)

So...that is the big deal in my life right now. God has revealed so much. I am amazed. I am not however in the least bit discouraged. I am more enlightened and encouraged because through this openness and transparency to the heart of God....He has begun to heal the wall. By recognizing the hole...pointing at it...and declaring victory for it to be fixed by the power of Jesus,----He started to do it!

I am amazed at the great God we have.

The tears were not for me. They were not because I was going off the deep end and having an emotional breakdown. The tears were for something bigger than me. The heart behind it all. The faith behind it all needs to be boosted. My heart broke because I felt God's heart breaking. I wept because something was missing. And now the tears of sorrow have brought reason to see joy.

That is victory.
That is God.


p.s. I heard a couple amazingly confirming things from my wonderful boyfriend too---which made me cry different tears---of joy, renewal, and delight. That is victory. That is God.

amen.

tending the cracks

today is the Christmas party in skien. i realize that I am not a fan of big get togethers...because if I have to plan them they are a disaster. if the party has anything to do with my home, my things, my time, and my understanding friends.....it will be okay. But I would not enjoy to plan a party for strangers...to do things that have to impress them ALL! yikes. Ragnhild is planning the Christmas party and she is doing a great job. I hope she enjoys it while she plans. Helina is sick today. She has been having headaches for weeks now. She will get better through the blood of Jesus!

i am walking in the darkness. i keep figuring it out. many things that used to bring me joy do not anymore. things that were fun, enjoyable and inspiring now bring me pain, burden, and weight on my shoulders. i find myself looking for things to do that will bring me fulfillment. i am a bit embarrassed to say that as a worship leader I have been so disconnected with God. I have been dealing with grief because I missed Him so much these last months. i just feel so lost in the darkness at times. now...don't get me wrong this is not a darkness that is depressive, but a darkness that swallows light, drowns me, brings me bruises from bumping my nose on the walls as I try to find the foundations. that is what it is....i am underground. there is nothing bad about being underground. i am walking in the sewer system here in Norway. I feel like I am searching my heart and this nation for the foundations of Life. It is a burden....but I value it so much. I have been quiet about what I have found in the past years. I have kept this discovery to myself within my prayers for answers. i am bumping around in the darkness down here, running my nose square into the things that I fear the most: embarrassment, rejection, loneliness, and failure. the walls of the foundation this nation is standing on are critical. i can see it within the walls of the YWAM base sometimes. What holds this place up? We are visionary for sure...but without that heart of worship and prayer it is going to just collapse and come to ruin. I put so much of myself into this place because I have been called here. I had a breakdown this week. It was good to just let God capture my heart and break it. I want to be transparent. I don't want to cower anymore. The solution to the situation is still a mystery. how to patch up a broken wall? how shall we rebuild the ancient ruins?

i felt my broken heart all week. every day this week I wept bitterly. i think I just am in the beginning stages of realizing my loss---in not obeying God when He wants to be with me. I am just weeping because of the knowledge of who God is and how amazing He is. i have not cried in a long time. i have become a bit of a shell---hurts tend to do this to you. art didn't affect me. music was so unsatisfying (still is....I have a hard time doing it with passion and not just to communicate in a worship setting). exercise is not happening. things that inspired do not anymore. i miss God so much. I dont want anything else but Jesus. what if my job here at YWAM Skien was not to bring the results of worship but was to first and foremost reveal the need of God...and the longing. if through bitter tears of sorrow i can see my way through this darkness than so be it. i might not see the healings, i might not see the foundations be rebuilt. perhaps I will weep again because I do not see the results my heart is working so desperately for...but then the Lord will keep me and restore me. this is His work. not mine. I am grateful I am being used. i believe I am coming back to a long lost hope and prayer.

'Lord, if only one will come closer to You---than I would be satisfied in your mercy.'

my prayer is that I am not bringing a new mask for a mess. i am not afraid of mess. i am only beginning to see how consuming the mess can be. am I strong enough to receive joy in mess....instead of stress.

Lord help me. I long for you....and miss you.

I know that I am not the only one that has these longings. those that are closest to me have been tending to their own cracks and messes----longing for God. I see the strain in their eyes, and hear the deep sighs. WHAT IS HAPPENING GOD? Why am I in this? Why are we being shaken to our cores? Helina says she would like to have a coffee date sometime just so she can sit and talk. She said, 'Erika, you should hear yourself when you sleep.' (am I snoring?) no. she said she just was concerned with the deep sighing and grunts and gurgles I produce. i should listen to what my body is telling me. I guess I have recognized a deep troubling but who knew that it would have a physical sound unconsciously. So, whatever is going on is not hidden anymore. God is stirring up my insides and at the same time has desperately taken my close friends and stirred them too.

i wonder if God is going to use this blog entry as a eye opener for many...for you. this darkness we walk in is not against man, but against the powers and principalities of that darkness. we are not alone. i am not alone. the darkness and the potential fears however present they are....do not scare me. I will not give room for fear.

but now....you know what to pray about. if you will.

without fear because of the Life given on the cross,
Erika

ha! this is ironic. Gary, the guy I have been talking about is now commenting on my blog. Aparently I am good at telling tall tales...or making up stories I guess. you can read the true stories on his comments. sorry Gary....my information was from the horse----RUNAR! He likes to tell stories too...and stretch things. I guess I believe them. I will check my stories from now on. I receive this as a healthy correction in my blogging life. you know I desire to live righteously so it will start with my blog. i might actually start by telling what is happening in my life. i might begin by actually letting you know how hard it is to be here in YWAM Skien. I suppose it means I am going to let it on thick-----well at least as thick as it needs to be. truth hurts.....but truth changes things. anyway...back to Gary----great guy as I have said. really funny. and nosy (he found my blog out of all of them---what a crazy guy)
i've heard the cd as it has progressed to the mastering stage. it is good. there are some strange little details to work out. for example there was a violin part just plunked on to the end of one song....in which I did not play on in the live or the studio. they just took it and made it work. it sounds a bit wierd because I would not have actually played some of those things if I were playing for the song it was plunked onto. and there is one note that is just sour! oi. but it really sounds great overall. i just have to be honest about it. I think Gary is giving me a hard time because I gave him one. the whole process was fun, but there were some things that made it great. Gary was leading us in the studio recording with his hands...and big facial expressions and all. one time he and the other vocal lead went to the studio and I got to BE GARY! I was doing it like him...with the faces and the hands. Hope that didn't hurt your feelings Gary! It was fun to push the 'record' button on the keyboard. I was sitting in the pilot's chair for a little of one song. Anyway....i hope you can all forgive me for not researching my sources about Gary. I take full responsibility and I let my pride fall. I humble myself before the truth. I realize that I just did not know Gary like I could have. but......it's okay and grace is there for me and you! do you know Susan Ashton? is she a world renowned singer? guess who told me she was.....RUNAR! He is one tall tale himself.

i just experienced some amazing breakthrough here. this week is a special one. i am fasting for a specific reason and i am beginning to hear God's voice...seek Him and find Him again. it's good that the worship leader says that. what a tragedy to be any other way. oi. we are in a fight against the powers and principalities of darkness----not each other. sometimes I get the sense that people I know and love are falling between the cracks that are opening up around us. the cracks that are holding our foundations together. those cracks are swallowing up people here. things are getting messy---and beautiful. just like my boyfriend says: 'I'm not afraid of messy'. I think I challenge him in this area often. (if you are reading this: i miss you) He challenges me too. The more I realize that this battle is not about me...but it is about God and his desire to be worshiped through these people than I have to do everything with the Holy Spirit to see breakthrough. I have not felt the support of the base at all in what I am doing. some comments have come to me last year that spoiled me. I was not strong enough to deal with them and to combat. i just climbed in a hole and cried. and i started to ferment there. then I went to the school of worship and things got harder for me. i met my fears on the side of the road.....and they beat me up and left me to cry again. the road has been lonely. the road has been so hard!!! Tonight I finally got to share about this with my small group. I dont know why I have kept silent all this time. I think it is because i believed that people did not care. i was getting hurt because people were hurt. but.....listen---something is happening and it is messy. it might involve confrontation. it might involve people being honest and even angry. it might involve redemption. and it will involve righteousness and obedience. halleluiah! i'm just fed up with darkness. sick of it. the enemy is going to get it! oh yeah. The Holy Spirit....is in Skien! Amen.

video updates

LIVE recording of Surround in YWAM Skien



Recording: There is No Fear with Gary Sadler