tending the cracks

today is the Christmas party in skien. i realize that I am not a fan of big get togethers...because if I have to plan them they are a disaster. if the party has anything to do with my home, my things, my time, and my understanding friends.....it will be okay. But I would not enjoy to plan a party for strangers...to do things that have to impress them ALL! yikes. Ragnhild is planning the Christmas party and she is doing a great job. I hope she enjoys it while she plans. Helina is sick today. She has been having headaches for weeks now. She will get better through the blood of Jesus!

i am walking in the darkness. i keep figuring it out. many things that used to bring me joy do not anymore. things that were fun, enjoyable and inspiring now bring me pain, burden, and weight on my shoulders. i find myself looking for things to do that will bring me fulfillment. i am a bit embarrassed to say that as a worship leader I have been so disconnected with God. I have been dealing with grief because I missed Him so much these last months. i just feel so lost in the darkness at times. now...don't get me wrong this is not a darkness that is depressive, but a darkness that swallows light, drowns me, brings me bruises from bumping my nose on the walls as I try to find the foundations. that is what it is....i am underground. there is nothing bad about being underground. i am walking in the sewer system here in Norway. I feel like I am searching my heart and this nation for the foundations of Life. It is a burden....but I value it so much. I have been quiet about what I have found in the past years. I have kept this discovery to myself within my prayers for answers. i am bumping around in the darkness down here, running my nose square into the things that I fear the most: embarrassment, rejection, loneliness, and failure. the walls of the foundation this nation is standing on are critical. i can see it within the walls of the YWAM base sometimes. What holds this place up? We are visionary for sure...but without that heart of worship and prayer it is going to just collapse and come to ruin. I put so much of myself into this place because I have been called here. I had a breakdown this week. It was good to just let God capture my heart and break it. I want to be transparent. I don't want to cower anymore. The solution to the situation is still a mystery. how to patch up a broken wall? how shall we rebuild the ancient ruins?

i felt my broken heart all week. every day this week I wept bitterly. i think I just am in the beginning stages of realizing my loss---in not obeying God when He wants to be with me. I am just weeping because of the knowledge of who God is and how amazing He is. i have not cried in a long time. i have become a bit of a shell---hurts tend to do this to you. art didn't affect me. music was so unsatisfying (still is....I have a hard time doing it with passion and not just to communicate in a worship setting). exercise is not happening. things that inspired do not anymore. i miss God so much. I dont want anything else but Jesus. what if my job here at YWAM Skien was not to bring the results of worship but was to first and foremost reveal the need of God...and the longing. if through bitter tears of sorrow i can see my way through this darkness than so be it. i might not see the healings, i might not see the foundations be rebuilt. perhaps I will weep again because I do not see the results my heart is working so desperately for...but then the Lord will keep me and restore me. this is His work. not mine. I am grateful I am being used. i believe I am coming back to a long lost hope and prayer.

'Lord, if only one will come closer to You---than I would be satisfied in your mercy.'

my prayer is that I am not bringing a new mask for a mess. i am not afraid of mess. i am only beginning to see how consuming the mess can be. am I strong enough to receive joy in mess....instead of stress.

Lord help me. I long for you....and miss you.

I know that I am not the only one that has these longings. those that are closest to me have been tending to their own cracks and messes----longing for God. I see the strain in their eyes, and hear the deep sighs. WHAT IS HAPPENING GOD? Why am I in this? Why are we being shaken to our cores? Helina says she would like to have a coffee date sometime just so she can sit and talk. She said, 'Erika, you should hear yourself when you sleep.' (am I snoring?) no. she said she just was concerned with the deep sighing and grunts and gurgles I produce. i should listen to what my body is telling me. I guess I have recognized a deep troubling but who knew that it would have a physical sound unconsciously. So, whatever is going on is not hidden anymore. God is stirring up my insides and at the same time has desperately taken my close friends and stirred them too.

i wonder if God is going to use this blog entry as a eye opener for many...for you. this darkness we walk in is not against man, but against the powers and principalities of that darkness. we are not alone. i am not alone. the darkness and the potential fears however present they are....do not scare me. I will not give room for fear.

but now....you know what to pray about. if you will.

without fear because of the Life given on the cross,
Erika