the thoughts

The rubber is starting to hit the road. I backed out of teaching violin to a little girl here. I was scared she would not be able to understand me...and the mom was very upset that I wanted money for it. I don't know what I spend my time on...but the day is gone.

I think I have to just stop and reschedule before my whole life goes...out out out! I want to tell you all the stuff that has been happening with the base leader and plans for the future, but I have to admit that I am in a standstill. I dont know whether I will take more schools, start schools or what anymore. I just don't have peace about any of it. I do have peace about worship and taking it to another level in temple ministry here at the base. I don't have peace about something else in my heart. I am just in a strange place. I was so excited and so thrilled just two weeks ago and then in conversations and discussing visions to come I have come to a dry place. I have to seek God and that is where the rubber hits the road.

I am willing...but am I saving myself for something big.

I know I must be a greater encourager to those around me and I know that I must see what God is doing and declare it!!!! What happened to the Erika that I used to know. Is she being replaced with a disconnected and somewhat distant relative of fear and failure? Bummer!

I have some to think about...more or less I just have to get a hold of my life and shake it around and ask....

what do you care about?
what are your priorities?
what do you need to change to see stuff happen?
what is standing in the way?
what is God saying? I think He says choose...and live!!


like I said....its this confusion about what I am doing here. I wish I was with my friend Andrew going across Eurasia on the open road just biking and knowing what was expected everyday. Of course dying to myself everyday. There is some daily spiritual dying here, but there is more striving. At this point I am the only one who has kept my boundaries...and still I am too busy and still I am striving to do what I should. I am coming to a point in my life that I have to decide how to live. How do I want to be alive. I have to make a choice about God's voice...do I hear it or not! what does He say?

Think of all the people in the world...and how they live? They made a choice once to live. How many of them are happy? Can I really be happy? What if I am happy? Am I doing something wrong? Why would I think that being happy is wrong? Who told me that lie? Must I be miserable and striving to feel like I have any worth on this earth?

But sometimes life chooses itself. I am not in that group though. Praise God!

I chose God, who has given me a choice to chose Him. He has works prepared for us to do already. Am I in the right place to recieve those works?

I underestimated the spirit of depression, doubting, worthlessness, shame, overactivity, and striving here in Norway and Europe. It is strong and I am fighting with all my strength!

fighting. huffing. puffing. blow the house down!

dark chocolate turtle in my hair

i'm in oslo now. I have been in hamar for the weekend. i slept with my roommate Anne Randi these last two nights. I will sleep with my roommate Karen Amalie this night. It is like my whole soul is bundled up in a nice warm cozy hug. Both of these girls have blessed me in the past years. DTS roomies! Lovely. Both of them welcomed me with food and smiles!




I have some pictures on facebook that you can look at too. All just for fun!!!

Facebook pictures



erika

Something like a circus that looks like heaven

Kvinner Konferensen i Kristiansand
The Women's Conference in Kristiansand

Well, it was crazy in many ways that I should just start to expect as I walk from day to day in my life here on earth. I am not supposed to understand the ways of God and this weekend helped me see that I can not understand it!

So. What happened. Well you can almost imagine what might happen when a thousand women get together without the normal life around them to hinder the communication with God. The Lord does a crazy thing with thier hearts....in freedom. It's something worth remembering to see women over 50 deciding for the first time to follow Christ with thier lives and hearts. Its something crazy to try to put myself in the shoes of an 88 year old lady who hears the voice of God tell her to take a blue worship flag and walk up and down the aisle blessing us all in intercession and prayer. Its something like a circus that looks like heaven.
It brought tears to my eyes to see perfectly refined women surrendering thier wills over to the Lord and to go dancing like a little child before the rest of the group. What kind of desire to actually want the presence of the Lord to follow you and be in you must come before you put your reputation down on the line?

Reputations......aren't those the last things to get laid down. Yeah....take my pride, take my life, take my time.....but then it comes down to the actually actions of God dwelling in you....lifting your hands, praying out loud, crying, dancing, standing, lying on the ground, going up humbly for prayer....and you wonder............did that person who is weeping bitterly in front of a thousand people know she would do that when she came today? Of course not. I know because she is Norwegian. For some reason I actually believe charasmatic responses to the gospel in Norway.....because a Norwegian under the spirit of the culture would NEVER do anything that put themselves apart from the others.....because of reputations.

So what happened? I think that the presence of God is so heavy....and so real....and when it comes to the choice, will you make it? Will you choose God or will you choose your reputation? This is what I am talking about people! Reputations die. God does not.

So what I think happened was that this lady desired in her deepest of deepest places to welcome God in and made the choice to lay her final sacrafice on the altar, her reputation. And the peace that comes in the MOURNING. The freedom in faith not for a response or reaction to God....but a body offered as a living sacrafice to God.

That's what he is looking for.

What would you choose?
I am honest and say that I just watched this circus that looked a little like heaven. The women being touched by God and I just watched and stared. God was putting a peace in my heart...but a compassion to understand in my deepest of deepest places.....enticing me.

'Erika, do you want me to fully place my heart in yours? Do you trust me enough with your life to give up your reputation for my plan? You wonder if they will still love you? You know that answer, it doesn't matter if they love you....when the cold wind blows all around, and no home on earth can be found I will still love you!!"

That sacrafice. It looks like a cross.

Ashamed

Why should we be?

It says in Psalm 34:4-5

'I sought the Lord, and he answered me, he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him will be radiant, their faces are never covered with shame.'

I have often been ashamed. I am trying to figure out why or when it all started. I think it's crap. It's a lie actually. And the fear of shame has no rule in my life...only the victory of Jesus who took shame upon himself has rule here.

Often I find myself doing things that I think I need to do....and not the things my heart is telling me to do. Often the heart things are the things I want to do...like spend time with God, dance, write music, paint, ride bike, have relationships....but I choose something different and less satisfying because of some shame I carry. That I am ashamed to see my heart be extremely encouraged by doing what I know I should. Doesn't that sound strange.

This weekend I am going to Kristiansand to play violin at a women's conference. I have a feeling there will be many women there.....and encouragers too! Talk to you never....shame!

a visitor from the east

I took a vacation from Skien. I threw my Norwegian sweater in my bag and jumped on my boat and just threw caution to the wind. No time for planning. Where would I end? Perhaps in Kopervik on the west coast. If you do geography you know I can't get to the west coast on a boat. so that was a lie. the norwegian sweater is not even mine. oi. Let me tell you the story.I am visiting Espen, Anne-Marit, Benedikte, and Hanna Pedersen in Kopervik. It is an island off the west city of Haugesund. I took the midnight bus and arrived at 7:15 am. They picked me up and we began the day. What a long day! It was like I had never been sleeping the day before or anything. Hmmmm.....oh yeah i didn't.
I met this lovely family when they came to skien to spend three weeks at the end of the summer. They are worshipers and so great! Benedikte has warmed up to me now....where as before she would say, 'DON*T DO IT' . Now she includes me. in this photo we have just taken a quick tour up the mountain looking down on the shore. Anne Marit's mom was preparing middag mat (afternoon food, usually the warm meal)--this is where Anne Marit grew up.If you want to have a hissy fit...then do it, but otherwise rejoice with me as I tell you that this in the picture was our middag mat...whale. Yea! it was so exotic that i needed to capture the moment forever. It tasted like rump roast! We also had plum jam and carrot roots. I made puppy chow and chocolate chip cookies for the worship night we have on Saturday. Rice porridge potluck---i love the west coast!

Would you still love me if i tucked my pants into my socks? Espen thought he was real helpful to teach me how to tight roll the pants...I felt I betrayed everything I held at high fashion regard. Sorry life, sorry reputation, sorry popularity, sorry pride...but my pants were dry!Looking out from Anne Marit's parent's house. We took a boat out to fish...and caught nothing!!Benedikte is so cute! They call her a 'little sweet clump' sounds funny.....'litten søt klump'

Would you still love me if I was what God wanted me to be?

So this is where I sleep. My jail cell. When the day is done and I come to my bedroom it is as peaceful as the warm sun on a Iowa night (the kind without humidity and bugs in your ears). I got the bed spread on sale for 12 dollars, the map was from my room at home and I have all you alls picture tacked up on it for my people here to see how blessed I am to have you! The tree......isn't it cool. It was there when I came. A daily reminder to be a tree planted by water of Life! I often sit in my room using my pilates ball, journaling about the day, or just listening.

The first weekend of DTS, September 20-22 I joined the students on their actually sort of grueling wilderness trip . We packed up our bags for three days and two nights in the wilderness. We hiked for more that 5 hours everyday and made camp with tarp and rope on trees. I used my outdoor mattress and my sleeping bag and warm woolen clothes I thankfully bought the day before (on a whim...'oh I might need these'...boy did I ever!!!!) Freezing at night on the cold ground. We chopped chicken heads, plucked them and made soup, and got all nasty and unshowered as a nice way to get to know the new students.


We really did do some serious hiking. I am not kidding you. Norwegian terrain is challenging at times. The students didn't know how long we would be out, we kept info from them. That's what good staff does!

So does this photo look funny? Is Ragnhild really dressed for tundra? Is Andreas really dressed for a quick dip in the pond? Yes. Ragnhild was not exaggerating, and Andreas was put up to the challenge to swim across the frigid pond. In this relay...my team won. Oh wait, my team always won this weekend! Awesome..we were!

Einar? Norwegian leprechaun spotted in the distance!


This is the winning team! Team 1, actually it is a fitting name. Shall I introduce you them?
DTS Leader Markus in the blue jumper, my little brother Eirik looking adorable, bending awkwardly is Tina (Itsy Bitsy) , championing the three fingered smile in bright neon green is Jonothan, the beautiful Ingebjørg in whom I visited a month ago in Voss stands before us in black, then Ragnhild (DTS staff and was friends with Danny Klaver in Los Angeles) , me...president of the weirdo club, and behind me--Natasha our Russian mystery!

Erika Amerika and Redheaded Rags

I am not alone in my endeavours to be myself. I have found fellowship with the Wallace and Grommit folk. 'Grommit, we forgot the cheese!' Jonothan does a great Wallace!

Redheaded Rags in the tree picking apples for the road. Seljord has great apples...delicious!

Therese (who reigns over the kitchen at the base) sees an rotten apple as a possibility, not trash.

Guess who is playing the violin more than ever these days? So many hours of practice makes some crazy callouses on the fingers. Here I am in this photo...in the middle of a jam out session with a man named Steinar. It's a funny name because in Norwegian it means 'stones'. From the moment I met him I called him Stones. I think he liked the name too much I have to wonder.

Einar and Brad fashioning the Bocca balls. We have a club like I have told you before. Yeah well the present champion up to date is still me! We played on Saturday this last weekend with 6 people...double teams and my team STILL won. Sorry Einar you can't stop me!

Perhaps I have introduced you to my mentoress.....the beautiful Hild Mari. She is so great to talk to on Thursdays. We chat about everything and anything. God has big plans for her and I get to see Him develop her heart as she is trying to mentor me. It's a funny two way street you know. I love it. She and her husband Sigfred are my small group leaders. We meet on Mondays once a month. Hild Mari is a great hostess and killed us this last Monday with a delicious carrot cake with lemon frosting! Wow!

The Pederson's, these folks are receiving me into thier home tomorrow. I will travel to the West Coast starting tonight at midnight on the bus. They will pick me up from Stavanger at 7 am and we will start a wonderful weekend of hiking, swimming, eating smoked salmon, and being refreshed. The little one....Hanna, the not so little one...Benedikte (who always says 'Don't do it!' in Norwegian), Espen, and Anne Marit. I look forward to our weekend on the beautiful coast city of Kopervik.

And of course my friend Danny Klaver who has nothing really to do with Norway except that I received a great and suprising phone call from him the other day. He found out my number and just called. I think this is a great thing. You can also call me when you want. Let Danny be a role model for you. Just email me and I will get you the number. We might have to work out a time that suits, but we can try.

That's it for now. But check back often...especially this weekend for more pictures from the west coast. Love you all!