The culmination of the last weeks has been way too much for me to handle. The art show is done.....The earth trembling visit from a Missouri friend, the culmination of what God is doing....oh how the spirit spews forth its merciful fire. As I say in my leadership class, "I just can not handle how loud the voice of God is into my heart." Turn it down! Turn that voice down......It booms like a double clap thunder into the most delicate part of my ears. Shouldn't have cleaned those ears with so much vigor (love to use a q-tip and its killing me) What has the Lord done? What is he doing? I can not say. But I know that I have stepped into a great vast of deep water and it is over my head....And flooding my heart bloop bloop bloop bloop all the way to the top. I am completely filled and run when I have to sing songs about being filled.....because I am watery in the eyes as it spews out.....overflowing. How God is going to use this water-logged girl? Show me God. Has anyone seen the Lord? Tell me. Has anyone heard the Lord? Tell me. Why can I be burned by this all consuming fire and feel so alone. Where are you, my redemptive solitude? Where are you my speeding road....as I hit the pavement with my face. Who will see the Lord? Why won't you say? Can you hear the vivacious voice that calls out to the faithful. Answer me! Why won't you live desperate for him? Why wont you? What is holding you back. I cant stand that thing between you and God. I hate that thing you put before God. Throw it in the fire. When will my heart be released from this prison of blessings that drown me?
What are you doing with that suitcase? Where are you going. Are you stealing away?
Stay.
And do what? And be still before the Lord.
I have no place to lay my head here. Who will celebrate God?
I shall.
10.17.2006
10.02.2006
The honest truth
Well, for the last weeks I have been sort of falsely busy. Its all coming out now, but there have been only a few things that have kept my attention longer than an excuse to not update this silly thing. Those excuses will not be shared, because they are pathetic. However, the hot news is still hot from this Northwest Iowa town.
One week in counting down to the 'Pictures through an Open Window' Art Show next week Thursday. I have four paintings to start and finish. Please pray that I have the feet to walk through that prayer.
My sister in law Andrea will soon be ridding her enlarged stomache of a small child. In the week or +1/2 to come Josiah Thomas will be born. Dont know what that means to you.....but I know what that means for me. I leave work. And Doug, my boss is not sure what that means for him....until I just do it. Eek
We got a new computer program at work, so every one is completely stressed out. We must keep our money with ourselves till the end of the night...and all that change is such a headache. It keeps us accountable which is good. I just take an extra bran muffin at lunch as a recompense for my stress. I am so glad I dont smoke....or want to. I am glad that this new change will only drive me to a healthy GI tract.
Recently I have been at a weekend retreat at the good old Inspiration Hills. IT was a rainy weekend, but because of the nature of the retreat....it was a bonus. This time was a meditation retreat. I loved it. There was more silence there than in my bedroom when I sleep. A room filled with 80 people that are completely focussing on God and rejecting the straying thoughts and praying and wow! We even ate breakfast in silence, which was so powerful. I really felt the power of God in my heart and was challenged again to desire his will how he wants, not me. Actually in a time of silence we were asked to just spend it alone and far away from others . I had about an hour.....and I was focussing on Isaiah 58:8 and this song came to me. I couldn't shake it....so I kept it in my mind.....10 minutes later I practically ran to the piano about to burst out in song and I wrote it. I chicken scratched the song in my journal and fixed the words of the verse to a melody. It was great. Like I was to burst.......and the only response was this piano song. PRetty cool. I am really liking how God speaks through me. Its bizzare!
I met with my creative worship group for the first time. ITwas really great. I like to be with youth...and to speak the same language is a bonus. We shared our favorite verses and why...and I was so encouraged that God had really met them in a personal way along thier journey so far. I talked a bit about worship...and how to be sure of giving God glory as it says in Romans 1:20 "...man is without excuse" Because of the creation what we see revealed around us, we have no excuse but to worship him with our lives. They were a bit hesitant to declare the verses in a boistrous reading....but when we split up and began recitingthe verse out loud to ourselves they were more bold. I think the Lord has shown me a real hunger in my church. The need for a response or an expression. That has been squelched. And who knows-----God has a great plan for it all.
I am in this leaders of the harvest class at my church....we meet at 6am on Mondays....yeah hook it up!! But today, my response was unbelievable. To be here in Orange City is all at the excuse of this class. IT is my anchor for sure.....the reason I stayed. To discover myself as a leader and I just discovered how completely rediculous that is....and how competely vulnerable I am being challenged to be. Had I known that all along I was only a shadow of what I could be.....and what God is calling me to is where my deep gladness and the world's hunger meets.
Would that by Iowa? Would that be the grille? Would that be a specific girl I know who doesnt know the Lord? That I would be here for her?
The real question today...that pains me to ask because I know the answer.
"Is salvation really for everyone? And do I desire those people I meet to know the Lord?"
THat is the question and I know the answer.....no matter what I do or who I meet the answer is always.......YES. That is the breaking point, the one I am at now. The real moment that I decide whether God's heart is bigger than mine......and how am I going to make that known.
So, this week I will fix my eyes on Jesus as He shows me how to reach those he has placed before me. And gives me feet to walk in his unfinished deeds. I have faith that they are already finished deeds in his eyes...and he is pleased. I walk with that notion. And live it.
One week in counting down to the 'Pictures through an Open Window' Art Show next week Thursday. I have four paintings to start and finish. Please pray that I have the feet to walk through that prayer.
My sister in law Andrea will soon be ridding her enlarged stomache of a small child. In the week or +1/2 to come Josiah Thomas will be born. Dont know what that means to you.....but I know what that means for me. I leave work. And Doug, my boss is not sure what that means for him....until I just do it. Eek
We got a new computer program at work, so every one is completely stressed out. We must keep our money with ourselves till the end of the night...and all that change is such a headache. It keeps us accountable which is good. I just take an extra bran muffin at lunch as a recompense for my stress. I am so glad I dont smoke....or want to. I am glad that this new change will only drive me to a healthy GI tract.
Recently I have been at a weekend retreat at the good old Inspiration Hills. IT was a rainy weekend, but because of the nature of the retreat....it was a bonus. This time was a meditation retreat. I loved it. There was more silence there than in my bedroom when I sleep. A room filled with 80 people that are completely focussing on God and rejecting the straying thoughts and praying and wow! We even ate breakfast in silence, which was so powerful. I really felt the power of God in my heart and was challenged again to desire his will how he wants, not me. Actually in a time of silence we were asked to just spend it alone and far away from others . I had about an hour.....and I was focussing on Isaiah 58:8 and this song came to me. I couldn't shake it....so I kept it in my mind.....10 minutes later I practically ran to the piano about to burst out in song and I wrote it. I chicken scratched the song in my journal and fixed the words of the verse to a melody. It was great. Like I was to burst.......and the only response was this piano song. PRetty cool. I am really liking how God speaks through me. Its bizzare!
I met with my creative worship group for the first time. ITwas really great. I like to be with youth...and to speak the same language is a bonus. We shared our favorite verses and why...and I was so encouraged that God had really met them in a personal way along thier journey so far. I talked a bit about worship...and how to be sure of giving God glory as it says in Romans 1:20 "...man is without excuse" Because of the creation what we see revealed around us, we have no excuse but to worship him with our lives. They were a bit hesitant to declare the verses in a boistrous reading....but when we split up and began recitingthe verse out loud to ourselves they were more bold. I think the Lord has shown me a real hunger in my church. The need for a response or an expression. That has been squelched. And who knows-----God has a great plan for it all.
I am in this leaders of the harvest class at my church....we meet at 6am on Mondays....yeah hook it up!! But today, my response was unbelievable. To be here in Orange City is all at the excuse of this class. IT is my anchor for sure.....the reason I stayed. To discover myself as a leader and I just discovered how completely rediculous that is....and how competely vulnerable I am being challenged to be. Had I known that all along I was only a shadow of what I could be.....and what God is calling me to is where my deep gladness and the world's hunger meets.
Would that by Iowa? Would that be the grille? Would that be a specific girl I know who doesnt know the Lord? That I would be here for her?
The real question today...that pains me to ask because I know the answer.
"Is salvation really for everyone? And do I desire those people I meet to know the Lord?"
THat is the question and I know the answer.....no matter what I do or who I meet the answer is always.......YES. That is the breaking point, the one I am at now. The real moment that I decide whether God's heart is bigger than mine......and how am I going to make that known.
So, this week I will fix my eyes on Jesus as He shows me how to reach those he has placed before me. And gives me feet to walk in his unfinished deeds. I have faith that they are already finished deeds in his eyes...and he is pleased. I walk with that notion. And live it.
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