The rubber is starting to hit the road. I backed out of teaching violin to a little girl here. I was scared she would not be able to understand me...and the mom was very upset that I wanted money for it. I don't know what I spend my time on...but the day is gone.
I think I have to just stop and reschedule before my whole life goes...out out out! I want to tell you all the stuff that has been happening with the base leader and plans for the future, but I have to admit that I am in a standstill. I dont know whether I will take more schools, start schools or what anymore. I just don't have peace about any of it. I do have peace about worship and taking it to another level in temple ministry here at the base. I don't have peace about something else in my heart. I am just in a strange place. I was so excited and so thrilled just two weeks ago and then in conversations and discussing visions to come I have come to a dry place. I have to seek God and that is where the rubber hits the road.
I am willing...but am I saving myself for something big.
I know I must be a greater encourager to those around me and I know that I must see what God is doing and declare it!!!! What happened to the Erika that I used to know. Is she being replaced with a disconnected and somewhat distant relative of fear and failure? Bummer!
I have some to think about...more or less I just have to get a hold of my life and shake it around and ask....
what do you care about?
what are your priorities?
what do you need to change to see stuff happen?
what is standing in the way?
what is God saying? I think He says choose...and live!!
like I said....its this confusion about what I am doing here. I wish I was with my friend Andrew going across Eurasia on the open road just biking and knowing what was expected everyday. Of course dying to myself everyday. There is some daily spiritual dying here, but there is more striving. At this point I am the only one who has kept my boundaries...and still I am too busy and still I am striving to do what I should. I am coming to a point in my life that I have to decide how to live. How do I want to be alive. I have to make a choice about God's voice...do I hear it or not! what does He say?
Think of all the people in the world...and how they live? They made a choice once to live. How many of them are happy? Can I really be happy? What if I am happy? Am I doing something wrong? Why would I think that being happy is wrong? Who told me that lie? Must I be miserable and striving to feel like I have any worth on this earth?
But sometimes life chooses itself. I am not in that group though. Praise God!
I chose God, who has given me a choice to chose Him. He has works prepared for us to do already. Am I in the right place to recieve those works?
I underestimated the spirit of depression, doubting, worthlessness, shame, overactivity, and striving here in Norway and Europe. It is strong and I am fighting with all my strength!
fighting. huffing. puffing. blow the house down!
10.31.2007
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3 comments:
Thanks. Seriously.
oh erika... your words realted to the many many many fights i've had in me over the past 4 years. And what i will say, having come out of those fights weaker yet stronger, tired yet energised, drained of all knowledge but wiser... LIVE!
and to truely live is to go against all striving. Because many times we thinking striving is actually living becuase we become more prodcutive we become more focused and goal oriented... however we become more bound, more tired, drained and used. We become careless and run by something other than love and passion... rather amounts, results and pride. Striving binds us and takes all freedom away from us... drop the striving, become weak and unsuccessful (in the way of others expectations) and you've got the beginnings of finding life :)
It sounds hard... it sounds complicated... but once the revelation of what life and living truely is you'll see... how you're one of the few people truely living! It's a hard thing here in norway- i can promise you that. But once you find that beginning of life... that source of life in GOd... which comes without expectations. You'll see that you'll be able to live and to spread it to others.
Let me know if you need anything...
love and hugs and prayers from a girl who has been there :)
wow...I liked this.
this challenge me to live...
to live real!
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