just take a good look

i babysat some kids today. My mom went to Wisconsin because her 'like-a-mother' died, so I had the kids. I sat by the kitchen table with a child on my knee and my journal in the other hand. as I wrote I questioned to God, "what would it be like to serve you when I have a child on one knee and three others chasing their shadows throughout the house. I just took a good look at who I am now and wondered how much more change I will go through to even be prepared for such a lifestyle. I liked being the 'mom' I thought I was fun. We did normal things and I spoke in a normal way....not overly excited about the day, because I knew I could never keep that enthusiasm the rest of the summer if I started now. But a certain event sparked my conciousness...just read as it unfolds before you.

Yesterday, Colby..the little 6 year old said,
"Erika, dont you think we should make a list of what we are going to do tomorrow, and then when we do it we can cross it off?"
My slightly lazy, and intrigued comeback was,
"No, let's just let tomorrow be tomorrow....and there might be some suprises."
She was pacified with that for a while, then once again came to me and said,
"Maybe we could make that list now Erika!?
I again told her no and she went away-physically, but not in her heart. It was empty of something.

I got to thinking, what would it be like to have her ask me that question all day long. So exhausting. Perhaps if she would bring me a snack, rub my back, or pick up her toys I would consider something different.

What am I saying? This looks a lot like something I have been doing lately between me and God.

"God, you haven't told me what I am doing next year and what the next step is...don't you think you should sit down with me and make a list?
Since I have been home in Orange City, I have been waiting for words from God....Confirmations and signals of the next place he wants me...and I have hardly received anything. I am like a 6 year old child who knows that the fun is just around the corner, but is dying to put it in a box...just to look, sit there...listed.

But, God...when tomorrow comes, we need to know what we are doing--and dont you want to hear my ideas?

If I a correct, NO...God doesnt need our suggestions in his great plan for the world. I just want to stand out enough that when his searching eye comes through the fields looking for those genuine workers, that his gaze would fall upon me. I am still like a child, its just we never hear God's frustration like the babysitters'....and there is something about that difference that makes God, God.



stop living by lists
by boxes
by barriers of bondage

just take a good look
it's all there
tomorrow's suprises