Awareness

Just so much to catch up on as I am trying to dance my way through life. Oh, the changes of my heart often make things so much more cloudy in my mind, but that change was clearing a place of understanding in my soul.

Since a recent challenging time at the Nederlander Grille I was consoled by God to consider what my focus was when I worked---and I was awakened to see that I was not really on track. I had a social outlook, for laughs and not for business.....and yes, this gets me into trouble. So, now I see a new awareness of my purposes here as a waitress. To be a hard worker as the Iowans tend to be, but to work hard at making my selflessness alive. Working hard at a lot of other things first....like prayer, and giving, and surrender. The weird things--that mean everything.

I played violin as the entertainment in Sioux Falls---two weeks ago. It was at the North American Baptist Seminary---a Missions Banquet. I was shocked that the first girl I met was incredibly cold. Nothing against the school, but this girl was so disinterested I almost lost interest in my own conversation. She persuaded me to be bored with myself. I shook her hand---she gave a weak grin with one eye on the appetizers and one on the exit. She was 'skiddish'. She asked out of the corner of her very dodging face, "So, what do you do?" Obviously her disgusting disinterest could not dissuade me from answering one of two ways:
1. forcing her to pretend she cared---making a long story longer just to see her perseverance
2. completely shock her with information that she would shake out of her social absence.
I liked shocking tactic number 2.

Cheerfully I answered her, "I pray."

She walked away.




What is that? I understand that people have bad days but she was not even pretending to commit those moments of time to another person. So weird. But how much does that say about my pride too. Why should my story mean anything to her? Maybe I should have asked about her. But I guess I was not genuine enough.

The music went well. I play violin with Cory Grimm. He is writing songs and we have done two gigs. We have one on the 25th of November at New Life Church's evening service in Sioux Center. He wants to travel to churches around the area and under the support and focus of recruiting for the seminary....just to get some gigs. Who knows. Sounds cool. But lots of things sound cool these days.

-I rode on a combine for the first time
-I want to spend my days off in half a day of job shadowing with people that I know. I would love to just spend time on the job. Finding out who they work with, what they spend thier weeks doing.
-I will learn to sew
-And I am working on a mural in our kitchen, only after completely mutilating it.......6 layers of wallpaper ripped and scoured. We will repaper (this word is a palindrome: repaper-----can be said forward and backwards) and then I will paint and mural.

My skin itches with the events that have been happening. The art show, the visit of friends, the birth of Josiah, and now without even lifting a finger to get any gigs......the Lord has been my bookie. In the last weeks people have just called me out of no where to ask if I would share with their this group or that group. I just say yes and we go for it. But am I really doing what I think God called me here for? To bless my family. To see them shine. To walk with them along the road and just be a prayer warrior?

Someone recently told me that they think I am trying to make everyone I know into replicas of me. I was hurt. And how ridiculous that would be if they were all like me. I can hardly stand it myself....The last thing I would want is someone else just as confused and just as unstable in the same ways----and the same irresponsibility habits. She was offended that I just didn't love her for who she was. I wondered if that was true....But then with a calm voice said. "I accept you and I don't understand how or why, but I do and God is showing me how to love you for who you are. The hard part is that you are trying to do the same thing.....To accept yourself and understanding how and why is what God will show you to just love yourself for who you are." I had hit a note.....Hard.

I considered my motives. Are they pure? I think so. I just don't know how to love any other way than the way that God has already showed me. So when that doesn't work......Then it is beyond me. Its in His hands.

I consider my genuineness. Am I living my life as all glorifying to him. Have I thought of that disconnect between my heart and his will? Have you?

I spent the weekend wasting my time with family. Just sitting there. Looking at each other, holding Josiah, and just muttering things. It was really the first time that I have done something so significantly irrelevant and rich.

Glory to awareness of Him!