i am not in this alone

i understand that many of you are unable to actually read my blog entries if it contains confusing abstract details about darkness, tunnels, rats, the power of God, and a random guy named Gary Sadler. I am sorry. You should hear my roommates when I tell them things going on in my heart and head. I ask them what they think and they are like, 'Um....I dont know if I understand, I don't get it....you've been talking for like 20 minutes straight and how should I respond?' I ask that the Lord will first of all bless them back for all the time they have spent trying to understand my abstract thinking and second of all that the Lord would give them fresh understanding. It's hard to be stuck in my mind. I guess sometimes I think that others see what I see....but it is not true. They do not. I have to be very clear about what I am saying...then someone might get 2% of it. Think of those odds. yikes.

I am sorry if you were confused by all the things that seem to be happening in my life. I am going to try and be more open...not so abstract.

if you wonder if I am living in this darkness and letting the spiritual warfare just overtake me....then please consider the fact that I am working here in Norway as a missionary...called to the job I have for just a time like this. I am fighting for victory in Jesus' name. I have only just begun to share with you more openly about all the things that I have seen for almost two years. This is hard to just admit openly. I mean when you are living in a place, it is your home...the people are your people...it is hard to say it is not best. For example, living here at YWAM Skien is good. The people are amazing and the visions are out of this world. But as I am here leading worship, just seeing people get free in front of God...I realize that I am doing my own fighting. I am fighting for worship and prayer to be the heart of this base. I am fighting the principalities that keep worship and prayer from just exploding all over us. I am not fighting the nice and pleasant people here. They are affected by the pressure to keep 'normal' to keep 'under-control' so I have to just come in with the heart that God has given me and BE! LIVE! What could be harder than that? Seriously. Life gets sucked out of the bones of people here....it is easily replaced with routine, performance, and standardizing actions. It breaks my heart. So to explain the darkness one more time.....hope you get it.

I am underground. I am feeling around on the walls. I am getting a sense for the foundations. (practically....I am using the voice of the Holy Spirit, using my heart, emotions, observations to consider what is the situation like here in Norway and in YWAM Skien). It is dark down here....(in these thoughts and prayers). I am not sad ( because this is my job that I am called to). Yet, I weep bitterly (for the heart of God has shown me deep things....broken walls, potential crumbling, areas of danger). I pray. (seeking wisdom to know what to do). I try something (desiring to be obedient to Him). I usually hit my nose on the wall....(ouch). I realize as I am trying to rebuild these ruins here....underground....that I am getting hurt in the process. (this happens in ministry too. I am trying to let my heart be vulnerable for a bigger purpose than myself and I get hurt...wounded...and discouraged). Sometimes I wonder----'does anyone know I am down here caring about the foundations? (Does anyone know that I care about the hearts of the people here in Norway). Sometimes I wonder---'does anyone want the foundations to be fixed? (Why is it so hard to lead people into worship? Do they even want to be giving God glory? Is it performance once again??) Sometimes I wonder----'is there anyone else bumping their noses into walls...feeling the holes in the foundation....wishing it would heal, become strong, be what it was supposed to be' (is there anyone who will come alongside and weep bitter tears about this? who? who?)

So...that is the big deal in my life right now. God has revealed so much. I am amazed. I am not however in the least bit discouraged. I am more enlightened and encouraged because through this openness and transparency to the heart of God....He has begun to heal the wall. By recognizing the hole...pointing at it...and declaring victory for it to be fixed by the power of Jesus,----He started to do it!

I am amazed at the great God we have.

The tears were not for me. They were not because I was going off the deep end and having an emotional breakdown. The tears were for something bigger than me. The heart behind it all. The faith behind it all needs to be boosted. My heart broke because I felt God's heart breaking. I wept because something was missing. And now the tears of sorrow have brought reason to see joy.

That is victory.
That is God.


p.s. I heard a couple amazingly confirming things from my wonderful boyfriend too---which made me cry different tears---of joy, renewal, and delight. That is victory. That is God.

amen.